After six years of silence I knew I had to deal with the truth. The time had come for me to stop living in denial and tell my loved ones the source of my unhappiness, weight gain and sudden introverted behavior.
I came to the decision just as abruptly as I had assaulted the innocent man in the grocery store. I had been shopping with my toddler at the time, when I man walking behind me said, “What a cutie?” His voice gave me chills and left me paralyzed in the shopping isle. I stood motionless until he reached out his hand to play with my baby and I lost it. I mean, I completely lost it! I pushed him away, began throwing cans at him all the while screaming, “You raped me!” His voice and actions had taken me back to that terrible night when I was raped in the dorms at college. He was not my rapist, but in that moment, that innocent man was guilty because of his words and actions. The way that he’d snuck up on me from behind had transformed him into the object of all my hatred.
It was at that moment I knew if I didn’t break my silence I would never heal! In that moment I screamed the words that yelled quietly deep within my soul for years. It was the moment I cried for the innocence that I’d lost and my desire to keep my baby safe was greater than my need to continue to suffer in silence.
This innocent man was gracious and did not press charges against me. He was extremely understanding of what was happening, even though I didn’t understand it myself at the time. I finally told my parents what had happened and I went to counseling to treat my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The mind is a wonderful protector of our soul and I was blessed to have the time I needed to deal with the trauma I’d suffered until I knew deep inside that I finally had the courage to heal! Individual and group therapy has done wonders for me. I’ve since learned that I am not the tragedy that happened to me. I am resilient. I am tough. I am courageous and I am enough!
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